DEAR ERIC, I love you and your web page.
I know you must hear this all the time, from all your little web-groupies or whatever...but I mean it. I would like to be the first (and preferably only) member of you official stalkers club. I know stalker are supposed to be surreptitious, lurking in the shadows, etc...but I'll just tell you my plan straight out, because that's the kind of stalker I want to be. I believe our relationship should be based in honesty. So here goes:
I will stalk you, move out to Fresno (ed.: Eric does not live in Fresno), live in the back of a garbage truck and wait for you as you leave you house and come into work in the morning. I will be there when you go out to lunch and come home at the end of the day. I will watch and learn and truly understand the real nuances behind every single Eric-emotion there is. And one day...(insert evil laugh)...one day you will come home and find ME, naked, sprawled out in your bed (or on the kitchen counter...still debating), waiting for YOU.
I send you this book so you will know what to do with me when that day comes. I know you contest is over, so you boss probably can't give me $50 for it (as much as I may NEED it), but I still want you to have this token of my affection.
Convey this emotion, baby: GRRRR....gimme some ERIC!!
Yours truly, M

Ps. Do not be afraid, young Eric. This is a joke (well, most of it).
But you can cut off this bottom part of this bottom bit of the letter and show the first part off to your friends, and feign legitimate fear for your life and chastity.
I do seriously think your hilarious though (haven't heard that lately?), which is an incredibly sexy quality (see: Drew Carey's ability to get chics). Plus you have a superb face. Why don't you take Andy Richter's empty seat? What are you doing at some dumb dot-com?
You are full of life-energy and spirit and comical wit. Don't throw it away in front of a blinking screen. Ok..that's enuf life advice from someone in no position to give it.
And I hope you do sell ads for your page and make loads of money---because funny people deserve it.
Enjoy the book anyway. good (almost comical) diagrams inside.
If and when you get this book (as I am illegally sending it from work), please let me know with a short note at: (ed.:email removed to protect the insane)
Yours truly,
A Huge fan---(not in the obese sense ;) ---M-I-A